


Capture That Human!

by Darkhymns, SkyWrites



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Adventure, Comedy, Friendship, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Mettaton as a Fabulous Jerk, very brief mention of Sans/Toriel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-29 14:01:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6378910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkhymns/pseuds/Darkhymns, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyWrites/pseuds/SkyWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Papyrus and Undyne's show is low on ratings. So what can they do to boost their popularity? (And avoid Mettaton's threats?) </p><p>Capture a human on live television, of course!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Capture That Human!

**Author's Note:**

> Originally part of [Fish n' Skeleton Adventures](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5615641/chapters/12937429) but this chapter works well on its own.
> 
> Written by [Sky](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/699150/Sky-s-Penname).

 

Rippling static.

“BOY WHAT AN ADVENTURE! ALL THIS GOLD IS SURE HARD TO CARRY,” Papyrus yelled, his voice seemed almost distant. Faint. “I SURE COULD GO FOR SOME SPAGHETTI!”

Undyne smiled a bright and happy smile. “Yes, it sure is great! I will punch that spaghetti, haha!” She laughed cheerily while punching a Temmie in the face over and over. The Temmie’s face let out tiny squeaks at each blow, but it didn’t seem to mind. She also sounded strangely quiet and far away.

“OH, UNDYNE, YOU KIDD-.” Static. A pounding sound exploded over the characters’ voices. 

“Haha, punching things sure is funny! Geez! Wow!” Undyne laughed, kicking a wall down. “I hope we get t-.”

Static. Pound. Pound. Pound. POUND.

Darkness.

* * *

 

“Is this crap the best you two could come up with?” Mettaton’s robotic voice screeched. His hands were curled into fists, punching the square TV over and over and over. Normally, Mettaton would never deface an object that even looked like him, let alone his own brand of Mettaton TV, but this was a special occasion. Even without a face, Mettaton’s rage was extremely well known. His box shape pulsated with pure anger.

Regular viewers of Mettaton on his show would not have recognized him right now (Personality-wise. His physical body was still very recognizable). His usual endearing, fan-loving tone was now replaced with a static-like rage, making the speakers of his robot body sizzle and pop. The lights of his face blinked erratically, lighting up the grand couches and large portraits of himself in his opulent office.

Papyrus, one such regular viewer of Mettaton’s show, was certainly not recognizing his star idol.  The skeleton shifted in his chair across from the TV, flinching at each punch. “W-WELL I AT LEAST THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY AT THE TIME FOR JUST A LIGHT HEARTED STORY!”

The TV’s beating ended abruptly. Mettaton turned his square body to face the two in question for this atrocity. “I’m surprised a thought has ever made it through your thick skull!” the robot screeched, pointing a finger directly at the timid skeleton. Papyrus whimpered. “Why can’t you losers ever write a proper ending to these things?”

Undyne, who had never cared for Mettaton’s show to begin with, sighed and crossed one leg over the other casually. “Come on, Mettaton. It’s fine, don’t lose it over this.” Her arm dangled behind the chair as she lounged lazily.

A bright red skull and cross bones animated itself over Mettaton’s body. Gears grinded and steam hissed out of his seams. “It’s fine?” The robot clenched his usually delicate gloved hands. “FINE? Do you know how much money the two of you spent on that atrocious Egypt set?”

Papyrus shivered, unable to keep eye contact anymore. Undyne simply let out a light groan of annoyance. “I dunno. Couple thousand or something?” She shrugged.

Mettaton was silent for a moment. His entire body went limp and his lights flickered out. Seconds later, his body lit up again with red. “Sorry! That answer was so stupid, it actually caused my system to reboot!” he screeched sarcastically. “No, your episode did not cost a ‘couple thousand,’ Undyne.” His fingers air quoted as angrily as they could. “It cost me _THREE MILLION.”_

The skeleton’s teeth were chattering. Undyne didn’t seem to be phased one bit. “So we went a little over budget. I’m sure we got plenty of viewers out of it.” She looked at the rage filled robot with skepticism and raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you think you’re being a little over-dramatic?”

A lightbulb exploded from Mettaton’s chest and blew sparks across the office. Papyrus shielded himself from the shards of glass. Undyne took a cut to the face, but didn’t flinch. “You wouldn’t know drama if it screwed you in the-!”

Papyrus finally found the courage to speak up. “M-METTATON SIR. YOUR LANGUAGE…”

 _“Shut up.”_ Mettaton pointed his attention back at the skeleton, giving him his best robot finger. “Your little show is hemorrhaging viewers! It was bad from the start, but now it’s non-existent!”

“M-MAYBE IT’S ONE OF THOSE SO-BAD-IT’S-GOOD KINDA THINGS?” Papyrus stammered.

“Not even that! No one cares about this show! You’ve got two viewers, and that’s probably just people that left their TV on!”

Undyne blew a stray strand out hair out of her eye. “So, what? Are we fired then?”

The robot returned his eyeless gaze away from Papyrus and back to his main source of anger. Papyrus let out a sigh of relief to be out of the range of fire. “Oh, you’d be so lucky!” Mettaton changed emotions as if by the flip of a switch. His tone was suddenly very jolly as he wagged a finger at them, as if they had just knocked an inexpensive plate over. “The ratings you cost me, no, I can’t just fire you at this point.” He even let out a little laugh. “No, if I don’t get the ratings back, I’ll just make the two of you _disappear_.”

Undyne quickly planted her feet on the floor, spear in hand. “Do you really think we’re just gonna let you kill us?” Her fangs glimmered in a scowl.

Another finger wagging. A heart shape animated itself over Mettaton’s body, although one of the red bulbs was still broken and fizzing. “Of course not, my darlings, I won’t be doing anything so hasty yet.” The heart animation shattered into two and the robot’s voice became threatening. _“Unless you screw-ups mess this up again.”_ The heart pieced itself back together, as well as Mettaton’s demeanor. “I have a proposition for you!” he sang.

Undyne wasn’t about to be intimidated by a box, even if her partner was paralyzed with fear. “What do you want?” she asked bluntly.

The robot rolled on his wheel and lifted up his index finger charismatically. “Simple! You’ll get the ratings back by capturing a human on camera! Imagine the drama, the action!” A spotlight found its way to land on the machine, and his hands seemed to trail sparkles through the air.

Crossing her arms across her chest, Undyne raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. “If it’s so simple, why don’t you do it?”

A golden star shone brightly on the square robot. “Oh, my, because I’ll be doing our most important show of the week! The Mettaton Times Viewer show!” Mettaton scratched the top right corner of his ‘head’ and thought aloud. “If only I could get your brother to star on that…” He appeared to be lost in thought while looking directly at a confused Papyrus.

Undyne scrunched up her face in a cringe. “ _That_ garbage? That’s what people want to see?”

“For once, I agree with you. It is hot garbage. But the ratings don’t lie, and I’m nothing if not a slave to my dear, dear audience!” Mettaton threw his hands up in a mock faint, resting his large body onto his wooden office desk. After a dramatic pause, the robot was back on his wheel. “But enough distractions! Get me that human!”

* * *

Snow fluttered down lazily through the sky, covering the trees in a soft white coat. A brown dirt road cut through the cold fluff leading up to a cozy little village aptly named ‘Snowdin,’ as was written on the sign before it. Small feet crunched through the snow and the dirt towards the warm lights.

Some distance away, a fish and a skeleton schemed. Papyrus rested his boney behind on a rather large rock, snow gathering atop his skull and broad shoulders. For once, he seemed quite unsure of himself. He gazed absentmindedly at a cliffs edge, wondering if the answers he searched for might lay down in their forest-filled chasms. “I DON’T THINK I QUITE UNDERSTAND, UNDYNE. WE’RE TO LOOK FOR A HUMAN RIGHT?”

The fish in question kept her arms folded over her armored chest, resting her shoulder against a tree trunk and avoiding the cold snow. Her eyebrows were furrowed in a usual perpetual state of grump. “I guess so,” she grumbled.

But that wasn’t the part that bothered Papyrus. He scratched his skull, snow flittering off to the ground. “BUT WEREN’T WE JUST SURROUNDED BY HUMANS BEFORE IN THE FIR-”

“No.” Undyne cut him off, keeping her eyes trained forward.

“I MEAN EVEN IF IT WAS A TV SHOW-”

“Don’t worry about that!” Undyne growled. She wasn’t annoyed at Papyrus, more at the circumstances. “What we need to worry about is finding a human. Mettaton has cameras all over the Underground. If we can find and capture a human, it’ll be recorded and we’ll be in the clear.” The fish kicked at the snow lightly. “But where? What are the odds of a human showing up down here?”

Papyrus squinted his eye sockets and stared down the road away from town. Two short figures stood in the distance. He held a boney hand over the sockets to try and get a better view of it. Brown hair, peach skin, striped shirt and mysteriously vague facial expression? “OH MY GOD! IS THAT A HUMAN?”

Undyne nearly lost her balance, waving her arms around in an attempt to regain it. “No way! Already?” Her boots slammed and crunched the snow as she ran out from under the tree. “Who else is that with it?” It being their target prey. It was better to not let this capture be personal, they had decided. “Is that… Sans?”

“DOING HIS JOB?” Papyrus seemed more shocked about the latter than of a human appearing just when they needed one.

The duo felt a newfound invigoration and sprinted down the path, but making sure to stay out of sight. They didn’t want to ruin a possible human capture. Papyrus and Undyne found a suitably large bush and the two of them slid hastily behind it in a not-so-good attempt at stealth. Without a word, they looked to each other and nodded. They’d let Sans take the glory on this one but help him when he needed it. For now, it was time to watch.

The human stood still now, its blank stare gazing directly into Sans’ blank eye sockets. The shorter skeleton said nothing. Showed nothing. His hands in his pockets, his grin still wide - one almost wondered if he was just a statue. Sans blocked the path however, and the human seemed reluctant to trudge through the wet snow. The human appeared ready to finally walk by when Sans’ eye sockets came to life.

The light from Sans’ eyes pierced through the humans very soul. Studying it or maybe even devouring it. “it’s a beautiful day outside,” he said suddenly, cutting through the silence like a knife. “birds are singing.” The birds chirped in the trees around them for a brief moment. “flowers are blooming.” A few red flowers shook snow off their petals and bloomed by the road. “on days like these, kids like you…”

Silence. The human tensed. The snow stopped falling.

In lighting fast motion, Sans threw out his hand and stepped to the side. “should walk right on by. hey how you doin.” Snow resumed falling and birds resumed chirping.

Papyrus and Undyne both fumed in anger together, although for once, it seemed as if it was Papyrus who was the one most consumed with rage. “SANS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” he roared from the bush.

Sans kept his hand held out but stared over at the raving squirming bush. His grin never left, never moved, yet it seemed to widen. “don’t you _snow_? i’m greeting the human.”

Undyne popped her scaly head out of the bush, snowy leaves and twigs tangled in her red hair. “You’re supposed to be on guard duty!”

The shorter skeleton shrugged. “i’m on break.” The human in question was now pointing its blank stare towards the hollering.

If Papyrus had any blood, it would be boiling right now. He, too, popped out of their ingenious hiding position and stomped his boot into the snow. “SANS, THIS ISN’T THE TIME! OUR LIVES DEPEND ON CAPTURING THIS HUMAN!”

 _Another_ shrug. “eh,” was the only sound Sans managed to make, as if he had exerted all his energy. Then with no warning, the skeleton fwumped into the snow on his back, almost assuredly asleep. The human stood on its tippy toes on the dirt path, searching where Sans had fallen. The skeleton seemed to have vanished without a trace, as if he was never there.

The stress of the situation finally kicked in and Papyrus exploded. He ripped two bones directly from his rib cage and tossed them in the snow in a fit of fury. He wailed to the heavens, his words incomprehensible, sounding something more akin to, _“NYYYEEEEEEHHHHHHH!!”_

Undyne had never seen Papyrus this mad. In fact, she didn’t even think _she_ had ever been this mad. She awkwardly held out her gauntlet and very lightly tapped his bony shoulders. Even with all this armor, and his lack of skin, she still winced at this almost gentle touch. “There uh… there. I mean, I could just go nab the human right now if y-”

“NO!” Papyrus shouted, facing Undyne a little too close. “WE MUST CAPTURE THE HUMAN WITH FINESSE! STYLE! GRACE! PUZZLES! ETC.” His eyes twinkled with what seemed like inspiration, maybe some tears, too.

She smiled sheepishly at her pal. Undyne didn’t have the heart to say no after seeing Papyrus break down like this. “Uh, yeah. Sure. Sure. You got a plan?”

The human viewed this entire ordeal. Its head tilted to the side as it watched the strange monsters. Without a second thought, it decided this didn’t matter, and continued down the path.

* * *

Droplets of water trickled down the smooth stone surface of the cave. They fell gently atop the lakes that littered the interior, the sounds reverberating across the marshes. A gloomy dark blanketed the cave known as Waterfall, lit only by the faint glow of fireflies and echo flowers. The yellow of the fireflies and the blue of the flowers melded together in a beautiful show of lights all across the cave’s plentiful lakes and stone walls. _Plip plop_ the echo flowers chanted rhythmically, repeating the droplets of water, as well as the plentiful waterfalls themselves.

A small path had formed between the lakes, either naturally or handmade. The human couldn’t tell and more than likely didn’t care either way. It stopped every so often to check behind a tuft of grass, or splash a bit of water childishly in the lakes, its reflection becoming distorted and strange as it did so. Quite a few times now, the human noted the bridge was out or under construction, hindering its path. The only way to cross was to use a set number of bridge flowers in just the right way so it could continue its journey. If the human didn’t know any better, (and it probably didn’t) it might’ve thought that someone was setting up these trials for it personally.

In fact, there had been more than a few guards blocking the way, too. Most of them came in pairs, and seemed to always be either tall and boney, or wet and scaly. They looked mostly the same, but sometimes had mustaches glued to their skulls or scales or wore very inconspicuous 10-gallon top hats. Usually these guards didn’t stop the human for money or anything like that. Just questions. The fishy guards were not usually very enthusiastic and only asked simple things like “What’s two plus two?” or “What color is that rock or whatever?”

The tall boney guards were the complete opposite however.

“FIVE FOXES, THREE CHICKS, AND FOUR HORSES NEED TO CROSS A RIVER AND YOU CAN ONLY FIT TWO ON THE BOAT AT A TIME. IF THE FOX AND THE CHICK ARE TOGETHER THE FOX WILL EAT THE CHICK-” and so on. The human answered their questions correctly each time, much to their dismay.

Little did it know, (or maybe it just didn’t care?) but the human was being watched throughout its entire journey.

Beneath the water’s shimmering surface, a skeleton and a fish women schemed. Echo flowers did not seem hindered by the water and their soothing glow kept the otherwise dark waters lit just enough for the duo to converse. Undyne’s flaming red hair floated up while her heavy armor kept her grounded. Papyrus’ cape mimicked the hair as it rippled in the watery lake, his bony hand on his chin in deep thought as he pondered their next move.

“You sure this will work?” Undyne said, bubbles blowing out of her mouth for each word.

His laugh was distorted by the water. “NYEH HEH HEH! OF COURSE! A HUMAN WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO RESIST ANOTHER HUMAN!” Papyrus poked his head out of the lake’s surface, water spilling out of his hollow skull as he did.

Along the road lay a devious trap. A dummy human stood watch by its lonesome. The dummy had all the effects humans knew and love. A striped shirt donated generously by one of the monster kids here in Waterfall. A pair of red shorts (a little too short, but they would do) straight from Papyrus’ dresser drawer. Atop its straw-filled body, a fuzzy dog head poked out through the shirt. It panted and yipped excitedly, tongue lolling, its body fit snugly between the straw and fabric. On top of _its_ head was a “Cool Dude” baseball cap, to make sure the human couldn’t possibly pass it up.

Undyne was still pretty skeptical and found that her patience was beginning to wear thin. “Now I can sorta understand the dog-in-the-head, I guess, but are you absolutely sure those huge ram horns needed to be glued onto the hat? I’ve never seen a human with big horns like that.”

Papyrus’ eyes bulged as if his very soul had been spit on. He quickly returned back to the bubbly water to assure his fishy partner. “THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN AN _ADULT_ HUMAN LIKE I HAVE! ONCE A HUMAN EMERGES FROM ITS COCOON, ITS FUR ONTOP OF ITS HEAD SPREADS ACROSS ITS BODY! THE HORNS YOU SEE THERE ARE MEANT FOR ATTRACING MATES. IT’S ALL ONLINE ON THIS SITE SANS TOLD ME ABOUT.”

Bubbles released around Undyne’s nostrils like small underwater volcanos. A few stray fish swam away in fear. “Okay, I guess, but there’s no way the human will fall for that dog’s face.”

“NYEH HEH!” Papyrus was waiting for this! Water swirled around him as he swam back up to the surface, motioning Undyne to follow him. The dog turned its face to them instead of the path as it was meant to. “DOG!” Papyrus called out. The animal yipped and yapped as it heard its name called, panting and drooling every which way. “DO YOUR BEST HUMAN IMPRESSION!”

The dog went still as a statue, and then, “-_-”

“GOOD BOY! YOU’LL GET A BIG JUICY BONE IF YOU STAY LIKE THAT!”

Grinning, Undyne felt a swell of pride in her chest. “Nice. That might actually work.”

There was a scuffling in the distance. Tall grass was ruffled and echo flowers mimicked footsteps over the water drops for a brief time. “THE HUMAN! HIDE!” Papyrus whisper-yelled. The two dove underwater again, but kept their eyes out so as to watch the trap unfold.

Meandering at a lazy pace, the human wandered down the path before it. When the human dummy came to view, it stopped for a moment. Though it’s face conveyed no interest or emotion, it seemed to head straight for the trap. The human stepped onto a rather large net placed beneath it and the human dummy.

The dog stared.

The human stared.

“-_-”

The silence was excruciating. Papyrus found himself sweating even while submerged in water. Undyne grinded her sharp teeth together.

Suddenly the human moved and began patting the dog on its head, petting behind the ears. The dog head remained still, never breaking character. It was at that moment that the human noticed what was around the dummy. A plate of spaghetti lay on the cavern floor, cushioned only by the subtle net beneath it. Next to that was a big red button with a sign over it that read, “FOR MORE HUMAN FOOD, PLEASE PRESS HERE!”

Stare.

Stare.

_Stare._

Undyne grimaced. It stared at the spaghetti, it stared at the button, it stared at the dummy. Why was it just staring? How much time had passed? Minutes? Hours? DAYS? She had been patient for so long in all of this! So many puzzles, so many costumes, so many traps! Now the human merely stood there. And a human child no less? Surely she should just end it here. Stop the madness, just grab it!

She couldn’t take it any longer.

“NGAAAAAAH!” she bubbled. As if an underwater mine had gone off, Undyne exploded out of the lake. Her black armor glistened menacingly, water logged from before, but she refused to let it slow her down one bit.

“UNDYNE, WAIT NO!” Papyrus clambered clumsily after her, giving chase.

The human didn’t seem to mind. It stared at its upcoming aggressors. The stare only enraged Undyne, speeding up her sprint. Papyrus was close behind. Within seconds, the duo was practically on the human. Undyne leaped at it, and Papyrus leaped after her. The fish warrior’s eye shone bright, her sharp teeth splayed in a wild howling grin.

In a completely unpredicted show of agility, the human merely stepped to the side, its feet now off the net.

“Eh??” Undyne groaned, face planting directly into the net herself. Papyrus soon followed, his bony body slamming into hers. Before the two could reposition themselves, the human pressed its palm against the button.

There was a snapping noise and the net enveloped them all, excluding the human. Spaghetti splattered into Undyne’s hair, a dog’s nose pushed itself up against Papyrus’ skull and licked it gleefully, forgetting its orders completely now. The two were held up a few feet off the ground, tangled in their own mess of bodies, spaghetti, bones, and straw.

The human stared up at the net of writhing bodies. Stare. Stare. Was it unimpressed? Judging them? _Judging her?!_ Did this human think it was better than she was? None of this was her plan! This wasn’t even her full power! Who was this human to think it had bested her? She would show it!

 _“NGAAAAAAAAAAH!”_ Glowing green spears materialized all around the net, violently stabbing and cutting the ropes apart. Bones rattled and armor clanked as they fell to the dirt, freed from their own trap. “We’ve tried it your way, Papyrus! Now we try it _my_ way!”

Her hands curled into fists, she pushed herself off the ground in one quick motion, spaghetti and dirt whipping off her hair. Her armor, which had once such a clean sheen before, was now hardened and bloody with pasta sauce. Undyne’s boots pressed against the dirt as she dashed towards the human, leaving Papyrus to stew in his own failure.

She had only been caught off guard before. How could she have expected the little brat to have any skills? But now, without any traps, it should be no problem. She leaped forward again, gauntlets outstretched, lips curled in a crazy smile for an assured defeat on her opponent’s part.

Yet, just at the last second yet again, the human dodged to the side. Undyne planned for it this time! She made sure to land on her fe-

Bonk.

Undyne froze in place. A stick lightly tapped her forehead where the human had struck gently. She looked into its eyes and it stared. Stared again! Was it toying with her? She couldn’t believe this! Insulted again! A vein popped over her head and an eyelid twitched. Mettaton said nothing about needing this brat alive!

_“NGAAAAAAAHHHH!!”_

Echo flowers from all around Waterfall began repeating the same thing now. Undyne’s war cry had a domino-like effect on them, scaring monsters back into their homes and holes alike all throughout waterfall. Undyne went completely berserk. She stabbed at the human with lighting fast motions, her magical spears shot at it in all directions. Not a single attack hit. It jumped, it dodged, it even did a twirl -  all the while bonking Undyne lightly with a stick each time.

Undyne found herself stunned yet again. The human stared, not making a move unless she did. She wasn’t supposed to think about her next move! Uhh, what should she do now…?

A shove came behind as a bony body asserted himself into the situation. “NYEH HEH HEH! IT’S THE GREAT PAPYRUS’ TURN NOW! WHERE YOU COULDN’T CAPTURE THE HUMAN, _I_ WILL!” Clearly the skeleton was still sore about Undyne wrecking his ingenious puzzle before. “PREPARE YOURSELF, FOR I WON’T BE SO PREDICTABLE!” he shouted sassily.

With a snap of his fingers, bones appeared in his hands. He tossed them at the human and the bones shot forward like boomerangs. The human, of, course dodged it easily. Papyrus did not find this disheartening though. Another snap and the bones he threw changed their directory and came back for the human again. There was no way the human saw this coming!

Without even looking back, the human jumped to the side, letting the bones whir by.

“WHAT!” Papyrus exclaimed before taking his own bone attack right in the skull. He rubbed the sore spot, but wasn’t ready to give up already! He heard Undyne snicker, and grinded his huge teeth together in frustration.

Papyrus just had to get in the human’s mind! Of course! “PLEASE HUMAN, MAKE SURE YOU DODGE THIS NEXT!” he shouted, tossing larger blue bone at his target. “NYEH!”

The human stood perfectly still. The blue bone dissolved around its body, not even causing a scrape. “HOW DID YOU KN-”

Bonk.

Eyes bulging, the skeleton too felt the shame of that stick. Feeling a tantrum coming on, Papyrus swiped a large bone at the child. It, of course, jumped over it with ease and bonked Papyrus again. Undyne chuckled more at this.

“N-NYEH! I WILL CAPTURE YOU!” he shouted, sweat forming around his skull. “MY FRIEND’S LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!”

At that, Undyne’s smirk was replaced with a contemplative scowl.

Bones shot down from the ceiling, they shot out from the ground, and they shot out directly from Papyrus. The human jumped and dodged like always, bonking the skeleton all the way. He was beginning to feel flustered and ashamed now.

Undyne laughed no more once she realized the seriousness of the situation. “It can’t stand up to the both of us, Papyrus! Come on!”

Of course! Why did he try doing this on his own? Being angry over one little mistake? That’s not what friends do! Together, they could capture this human with the power of friendship! Papyrus felt invigorated as Undyne readied herself next to him.

The battle began anew, and Undyne kept herself in close quarters to the human, slicing and slashing away. Meanwhile, Papyrus tossed bones on any side left open after Undyne’s attacks. The two of them seemed to read each other’s minds. Green and white flooded the arena, bones splashing into water, spears shattering into stone, all the while the human just narrowly avoiding each attack.

They would not give up though! Each bonk only made their attacks fly harder and faster! Undyne flowed like water around the human while Papyrus, well… he moved like a skeleton throwing a lot of bones! It was helpful!

For but a brief moment, Papyrus and Undyne locked eyes and each knew what to do. The human was now between both of them. Undyne tossed her light spear at full force and Papyrus lobbed his bone directly at the human with all of his might. It dodged, easily, as expected.

Then the duo grinned and caught each other’s projectile. Without another second to spare, Undyne shot her bone while Papyrus shot his spear! The human seemed thrown off by this.

The spear grazed its cheek and the bone knocked the stick out of its hand. “OOOOOH YEAH!!” They cheered in unison, rushing over to each other for a celebratory high five. They did it! They grazed the human!

“I THINK WE CAN REALLY DO TH-”

_BONK._

Before their palms could meet in that sweet high five, the human had appeared again, facial expression no different from before. It hadn’t waited for them to attack. Before either could even fathom what had just happened, Undyne was already skidding into the dirt while Papyrus’ bones strewn about on top of her armor yet again.

And just like that, their energy slipped away from them. Undyne’s head pounded and her legs were as weak as jelly. Meanwhile, Papyrus had transformed into a useless bag of bones, his skull completely detached. It wasn’t a killing blow for either, but it certainly knocked the daylights out of them.

Apparently, the human hadn’t even been trying before this point.

Undyne’s world spun around her in a blur. She had just enough focus to know the human was coming closer to them. She growled, and then braced for the final blow.

_Pat pat._

The human patted both of its attackers on their heads and sauntered off down the path, towards whatever its destination was. It had been a strange yet extremely gentle touch. Papyrus was already out cold, but Undyne felt her consciousness slipping away too. She hadn’t realized just how tired she was…

* * *

“Wakey wakey!” an electric voice screeched into their ears. “I’ve noticed you two failed your mission 100 percent!” He spoke in a sickeningly jolly tone.

 _Just kill us now,_ Undyne groaned to herself, feeling Papyrus’ bones stirring as well. The two were in no shape to take on Mettaton now, but were they ever? If they couldn’t even take on a human child what chance did they have against this killer robot?

Mettaton’s lights darkened for a moment. The two were ignoring him. He didn’t like to be ignored. “Wake up.” His single wheel kicked into Undyne’s stomach, penetrating the now incredibly damaged armor.

“Yeah yeah,” she groaned, refusing to give Mettaton the pleasure of showing any pain from his low blow. Her body was battered and bruised, but it was nothing she wasn’t used to already. She began the process of putting Papyrus back together who thanked her graciously for the help. Mettaton waited patiently, his wheel going back and forth lightly, leaving lines in the dirt. “So you gonna kill us, then?” Undyne asked once the two were standing weakly at their feet.

A heart animated itself over Mettaton’s box body and that horribly fake happy tone was back. It made Undyne wince. “Heavens, no!” He paused. “Well, I was! But…”

“BUT OUR TALE OF TRIALS AND FRIENDSHIP WON THE AUDIENCE’S HEARTS?” Papyrus interrupted, full of hopes and dreams.

Gears grinded again inside that metal box, but Mettaton didn’t lose control this time. “No. You two actually lost your only two viewers with this stunt. And seriously? Your special final attack was just her throwing a bone and you throwing a spear?” He actually let out a hearty screeching laugh. “That was terrible!”

The two grumbled to themselves muttering things like “I thought it was pretty cool” under their breaths.

Mettaton almost forgot why he was here in the first place. “Ah, but, please let me get to the point! Your show was an absolute flop and your attempt at capturing a human was cringe worthy at best, _but_!” He held out a finger for dramatic emphasis. “I’ve got the perfect replacements for you two! Just in the nick of time!” Mettaton moved his wheel with style and grace, pulling a camera out of a compartment from who knows where.

He aimed it directly at his new stars standing to the side. A short skeleton and a tall goat female. Papyrus squinted his eye sockets. “SANS? IS THAT YOU? AND YOU’RE WITH ASGORE’S CLONE?”

“ye.”

Mettaton suddenly had a dainty cloth in his hands, rubbing his boxy body as if sweat were dripping down him. “Look at those two! They’re naturals! Comedy and romance all put together!”

“hey, tori.”

“Yes, Sans?”

 _Pfffffffrbbt._ Sans squeezed the whoopee cushion in his hand. “heh.”

Mettaton’s lights blew up and his circuits beeped and booped. “Another thousand viewers! They’re geniuses!”

Papyrus fumed. “THAT WASN’T EVEN A JOKE. HE JUST MADE A FART NOISE!” He heard a few stray giggles coming from his side and was horrified to see his partner actually laughing at it.

“What? It _was_ pretty funny!” Undyne stifled some of her chuckles, attempting desperately to turn them into coughs instead.

The goat lady also giggled to herself. With a gentle motion, she picked Sans up and began kissing at his non-existent lips. Sans, of course, just kept his boney grin on the entire time, considering he could do nothing else.

“Look at the way they pathetically try to find romance with each other!” Mettaton almost cried actual tears as his viewers skyrocketed to the millions. “Don’t you just want to hug and kiss them yourselves?!”

His boxy body turned back to Undyne and Papyrus, but he kept the camera on the stars the entire time. “Oh, by the way, you’re both fired. I’d probably be a lot angrier, but your brother here,” he pointed at the grumpy Papyrus. “He agreed to take over my horrible garbage show! It’ll be Sans Times Viewer now!”

Undyne nearly gagged. Papyrus cringed.

“It’s such a weight off my shoulders to not do that one anymore,” Mettaton sighed robotically. “I mean, there’s nothing I love more than pandering to my lovely viewers, but it was such hot garbage, even for me! So horrible and degrading! Still not worse than you two though. I’m honestly surprised that Sans agreed to it, although I don’t think he’s taking it the least bit seriously and…” The robot was just talking to himself at this point.

Papyrus and Undyne strolled off in the opposite direction, away from all the bright lights and the kissing. The fishy woman stretched her arms out with a few satisfying cracks and let out a yawn. “Well, that was fun. Did we learn anything from this whole thing, Paps?”

Papyrus took a deep breath, his rib cage rattling with fatigue.

“I’VE LEARNED WE REALLY DO NEED TO WORK ON OUR ENDINGS.”


End file.
